Talk!

People talk.
They talk,
they talk and talk.
He talks,
She talks,
You talk,
All talk and talk
And talk and talk and talk.
Blah! blah! blah!


All day long
You hear nothing but chit-chats
A chatter there and
A chatter here
From morning, noon to night.
And the world goes on,
People quack and quack
like the ducks!


Talk, talk, talk
Ahh! blah, blah, blah
And yackety-yackety yack!


*June 5, 1997.
* I dedicate this poem to #SpeakEasy
and to all the people I regularly chat in there ;D

Online Birthday Party

25 people and still ragin online visited my blog on this day. 25 peole from nine countries! as of around 8am and today is my birthday!!! They are the very first people to greet me a happy birthday online aside from my family and friends who greeted me in the world I call "reality bites." 25 people and many more from across the globe logged in to view my blog some didn't post a comment or greetings but the fact that they were there and greeted me in the channel is enough. It's like I was truly having a big party online LIVE! I even had a guest from Belgium however, the flag disappeared on neocounts LOL! or probably the site couldn't hold much on the new post and visitors that just keep on coming, some twice or thrice LOL! (Alien to blog comments post xp). But anyways, never mind! just having all these people online and celebrating the dawn of my birthday was truly awesome!
I also got some gifts from them (smiling very happily!) Heureka posted a colorful pictures on the channel and my original channel family posted a greeting in their topic.Later #SpeakEasy also posted a greeting in their channel's topic---YAY! Almost all my good pals online were online in those fleeting wee hours of dawn, celebrating and yacketing with me all the way!!! I hate to cut this short cuz the party aint over....But then my family is here and I gotta go and meet some people for lunch. I got a date with the Dean in college for lunch too, she is also celebrating her birthday along with other faculty members who have birthdays this month( including me) and now I'm kinda late!!! Just wanna finish my online party.... Well to all my friends out there, THANK YOU for being a part of this wee hours of my life! I gotta go though I hate to cut this really!!! BUT others need to post on the right place lol! They are posting greetings on the wrong blogs!!!!
I'm not done with this yet...will be completing this blog laters.... im outta with my family!!!!!!!!! Until then..........As of 12 noon 45 viewed my blog from 13 countries and later in the evening it has amassed to 52 viewers from 17 countries :D

A Birthday Prayer!

Dear Lord,
I thank you for giving me another year of my life.
I thank you for all the people
who have remembered me today;
for all the achievements and for all the friends
you have given me during the past year.


I thank you for all the experiences,
the success and happy memories;
for times of failure which reminded me
of my own weaknesses and of my need for you;
for times of joy when the sun was shining;
for times of sorrow which drove me to you.


Forgive me, Lord, for the hours I have wasted;
for the chances I failed to take;
for opportunities I missed in the past years,
Forgive me that I did not use my talents
and abilities to the fullest because I was lazy
and wanted things the easy way,
or I did not completely trust in your support.


Help me in the days which lie ahead
to make this coming year better than last year
and closer to you, my Lord.


Amen.

From Leo B.

My happiness is me, not you.
Not only because you may be temporary,
But also because you want me to be what I am not.


I cannot be happy when I change
Merely to satisfy your own selfishness.
Nor can I feel content when you criticise me
for not thinking your thoughts,
Or for seeing like you do.
You call me a rebel.
And yet each time I have rejected your beliefs
You have rebelled against mine.
I do not try to mold your mind.
I know you are trying hard enough to be just you.
And I cannot allow you to tell me what to be----
for I am concentrating on being me.


You said that I was transparent
And easily forgotten
But why then did you try to use my lifetime,
To prove to yourself who you are?

Situations!

Have you ever been in a situation where
Someone loves you
However, you love someone else
And that someone you love loves somebody else?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You don’t feel the same to the person loving you?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You turned down someone loving you?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You were politely rejected?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You felt the same way with somebody loving you?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You continue being a good friend to someone you love
In spite that someone has found somebody else?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You are not aware that someone loves you more than a friend?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You loved someone in silence?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You said that there are things better left unsaid?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You watched someone walk away from you?

Have you ever been in a situation where
You have to learn to let go and move on?

All of these and more my friend,
Are the things I face now…
It’s hard to love and be loved because they are RISKS!
But then you will never know, come what may unless you take the RISKS.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

-cfba

ENLIGHTEN

Have you ever been enlightened? I've been and believe me it was a quick enlightenment but not so much as a blink of an eye.

I was chatting happily with my bf online yesterday. We were so happy, truly. Seeing each other again online has made our hearts fonder. It was the most happiest moment of our life but then suddenly kaboom! all seems to have fallen apart merely by a question:" I wanna know if she is no longer there in your heart." When I asked that question the respond I got was so overwhelming: "She is. And She will always be." WOW! Aint that like a BOMB? Let me go on. So he said, "But you are a part of my heart as well." Well, it ought to bring back the smile on my lips. However, is love have to be divided? Won't anybody like me gets hurt and be overcome by feelings? I was so stunned right there when I read what he said. For a moment there, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was viewing him on cam and he seems to take it lightly at heart. He was even singing. I just stared right there not knowing what the f*** I would do or say. All I could sense was the numbing pain and shock that were both creeping between my chest. He is saying....

He then typed,"I love you in so many ways." My respond was," I think you need some more time." KABOOM! another bomb eh!

Well, I tried explaining my heart out. Seriously, I don't mean things like I wanted to end everything between us right there but what I was trying to say was I want him to get over her. I want to be loved where I don't have to share his heart with somebody else. That's painful and I believe quite unfair. My ex and I have been 5 years together and we almost got married like him but my ex doesnt reside in my heart anymore when I opened my heart for this new one. Won't this be considered unfair for my part? It sounded like he has not overcome his past. And how I wish he resolved that issue within himself before he opened his heart for me because I find it hard to accept. Would any one who will read this stand up or at least raise an arm if you would not mind being in that position? Being loved when deep within there's another person residing inside his heart.... I know I am a loving person and I truly am and I can either be very soft or hard sometimes. I love this person and I try to understand, I know what is it like to love someone and lost that someone. Or to have someone tell you he/she don't love you anymore... I know too, nobody can stop anyone from feeling what they feel or for keeping what they wish to keep inside their hearts. He is right about that. Because I realize, I also keep some people inside me. And these people like his ex still resides in me. Like my BEST FRIEND Karl. However, my bf takes a much bigger part of the space I have. Whatever space those others have in me are small compared to what I have carefully preserved for him. Anybody you love, you always want to SAVE the BEST FOR LAST! So, he is right to keep her in his heart, hmm?!?

Let me give it another thought. I hate to be taken for granted. It's also one of my biggest fear. And of course nobody would want to love someone and later be dumped when one realizes that the old feelings is still the same. It will never work for the new one. It will hurt! I am not ashamed to say that to him and he was ohh well....I find it so harsh...."WHAT ARE YOU SAYING????????????????" i am saying what i feel right now. i want you to be sure you have forgotten about her, that you have healed of that. it will be hard you know... "I will not forget her EVER...but that doesnt mean i stop feeling things...understand this--- she is a part of me and my ex is still a part of me and you are a part of me. That will never change. I dont need more crap on my life. Im so pissed right now."

I didn't read much of that, anybody, will anybody who is over come by the shock.... He asked me to re-read the logs and I did. I took a good look at this. I feel every pain of this part but then, I realize even him had so much of a hard time struggling out of that. And whatever he wish to keep are just all memories and nothing more. Memories like how I keep memories and like what Karl told me. You keep memories of those people not because they still hold your life like in those times. But they are something to keep, something that has helped you stand where you are now and be the person you are today. Right? :)

I don't mean to end or whatever in the way it may have come across differently for him. What I am trying to do is help but I guess my help is not needed or maybe this whole part is just too blown out of propotion to be understood. Or is it just the way I express myself with foreigners?

I thought I express myself better in writings but I suck!
He got it all wrong maybe or I got it all wrong.... Karl said, "I think it's okay. Nothing wrong. It's normal." I stared at him. Now how could such a thing messed up like that be normal and okay? Sometimes we fail to see ourselves when we are overcome by grief or intense feeling and our past comes surging and we become defensive or protecttive of ourselves. Afraid to get hurt! That silent fear within us is always lurking in the dark.... always ready to spring out in every spun of the moment. In anger and hurt we do the unthinkable and use words to hurt those we love....I'm tired keeping hold of this four letter word. I could never have a life I want if this will always be lurking..." Everything looks alright. You both FREAK out because of the stupidiest things. You love him and he loves you. He got hurt (probably both of you) and he needs some time to calm down. Everything looks normal."

N-O-R-M-A-L. As I keep re-reading the logs I finally came to the end, not out of love but another realization how much he has proven himself TRUE. I felt no longer insecure, its alright if he keeps her in there because that will never change. But I reside in his heart... truly and before parting he even said "I love you."

It's like assuring me... I 'd like to focus on TRUST. I hope we can both work on this and to Karl... Once more again, you have proven the word RESPECT!

I love you and thank you for always being there no matter what! Thank you for your GIFT of FRIENDSHIP and to "YOU" Thank you for loving me and showing me the way!

Shadows

Peeping through the thin branches of trees,
amid rustles of its restless leaves
from the gentle tapping of the afternoon breeze----
I beckon the twilight.....
the crimson-red rays painted like chiaroscuro on the ground;
I hear faint, sodden footsteps crashing on the grass.....
The day ushers in the dark.....
the wind finally turned cold,
my weary heart I couldn't hold.
Can I still wait for tomorrow as another listless night unfolds?
Tomorrow...... will there still be orchids and laurels to behold?


Written in September 1992

Someone Special

Will you be there
each time I will need you
and will you come
each time I call for you.
In other words,
Will I be your someone special
the one you love,
the only love.
When I cry,
will you spare me a smile.
And when it rains,
will you be my sunshine.
In other words,
If I will be your someone special
You will be my someone special too,
and always be my only one
the only love...


-Julie Vega

3Ds

I have written stuff with a capital D twice and this is my third D and it stands for Disappointment. How disappointed and hurt I was when I heard from a friend that the person I have been longing to hear news from wrote to her instead. I was truly hurt and I am not ashamed to say that I cried. I truly did and I still am crying while typing this. I want to pour out my feelings cuz I am truly HURT dam nit!

You see, I have this so called online relationship. We were at the starting point like girl meets boy and boy meets girl eh! The thing was running smooth until his connection sucked. Now I was on the other end wondering what the heck! I waited for a while thinking he will be back. However, he didn’t and what was surprising was no message or explanation why he disappeared. Well, maybe it just crashed. So I waited for the next day, thinking he’ll probably show up again… What we had was a wonderful beginning. Funny too I might say and it’s one of the most touching moment that ever happened in my life! How can I forget seeing him cry on the web cam just for finding out how I feel for him? It was so real! I opened my door that I was supposed to lock. It’s not easy to place my TRUST but I gave it right there, anyway. I waited for another day and decide to send him an email and I suppose like anybody else would do. However my mail bounced back. I tried again and it bounced back. I tried again and again in between days and it keep bouncing. I tried his other email account, I think it got through but there was no reply after a few days so, I tried again thinking I probably miss typed the email addy. To my dismay, my mail bounced. Now what the hell? His inbox was full that means it did exist. So, I waited for a few more days again. Those days of waiting were horrible I tell you. I don’t want to come back in the channel cuz it makes me feel awfully bad cuz he wasn’t there. I keep wondering what happened but there was no answer.

So, let me ask… DO you believe that in a loving relationship people will not get in touch with you that long? I should not have put up any expectations. You are right there! However, I believe it was a reasonable thing to have some expectation about it because, my expectation isn’t that high and I truly believe its reasonable to expect to hear something from someone you love whom you haven’t seen or heard for weeks. Well, in my case it’s been two weeks. Disappeared without trace! Not knowing what ever happened. I was left hanging in the air. Connections online can sucks! Quite a lot! I know that. And anybody who has been online for ages would say the same thing. BUT… if you truly care for someone, you will find a way. Find a way to somehow, get in touch. Well, this person did get in touch. Oh yeah, right. He got in touch with someone else instead of me. What am I? You might ask. Do I have to explain what I am? I feel I am of less importance! As if I didn’t matter at all. So, let me think about what was discussed last time. Are they real? At this present time of cyber age you can see computers almost everywhere around the cities and towns of the world. Business establishment never run out of computers unless you are stuck with a traditional company that sucks like how your computer connection can suck the life out of hell of you!
BS!

Dieting!!!

D-I-E-T.

Dieting has never been in my vocabulary when I was in high school and college. I have a fast metabolism so I don’t get fat. Therefore, I had no trouble consuming so much food including junk foods and soft drinks. My classmates and friends would envy me during recess and when we go out to eat in McDonald’s and Jollibee. At that time these were the only popular hamburger fast food. I would eat cheeseburger and quarter pounder burgers with fries and milkshake to my hearts content. During weekends when my family would have dinner or lunch out, it is always me who they often consult as to which restaurant is the best place to dine in or what is new on the menu list of our favorite dining place (Dad’s, Saisaki and Cabalen) in SM Mega mall. And every time we eat, I eat a lot! Especially when we are in a buffet place where you can stuff your plate as much as you want. Yeah! No food sharing or leftover. Well, that’s no problem with me. No sweat!

I even remember one time there was a big event in college and I was part of that program wherein I was the security committee and usherette. The event was a whole day activities with lots of famous guest artists from our local celebrities and sports personalities. I didn’t have the time for breakfast (well, I really skip anyway!) and I thought I can have lunch later (for FREE!) but the event took so long and I could not leave my post during the entire show that lasted until 1:30pm. Because the crowd could not be controlled and the guest artists were having trouble going at the back stage and there was heavy traffic along Katipunan Avenue, I finally got out at 2:00pm and I met my friends. We drove to my closest friend’s house supposedly to eat in her place only to find out there was no maid to cook for us. Aw! We had to eat take-outs again at McDonald’s so, she took our order and I told her I’m starving to death. When the food came, they wondered to whom are the extra 2 burgers and apple pie. I was sitting on the floor eating a cheeseburger, medium coke and fries quietly while watching a movie. After I finished my first burger I asked if anyone wants the extra burger (grins!). Of course nobody would want to take an extra pounds so I shrugged and took it. I then later took my pie halfway through the movie. When the movie was running to an end I took the last burger and all of them looked at me. “Hahahaha! I can’t afford to see money and food go to waste!” Everyone watched me eat. I took my time; mind you I was also getting full. We had to get back to school at 3:30pm and resume our post. On the way, I was still eating and everyone were making quite a racket inside the car betting on whether I can finish my burger or not. Aileen made a bet I could the rest said no. I looked at my best friend as if to say “sh*t!” She laughed and made her bet higher then told me in sign language: I’m betting all their money you gotta finish that or we will be beggars for the rest of the week.” I signed back, “sh*t, I don’t have anymore money!” All the more she ranted laughing. Finally we got to school and my burger was only three more bites and it will be over. When I got inside the locker I took one last bite and nobody saw it. I discarded the wrapper and walked slowly to our lockers. All eyes looked at my hand and my face. I was still chewing the burger. Aileen shouted but the others didn’t believe. I prolly threw the burger because they knew I was full. I shrugged and all of them sprinted at the trashcan. Aileen was waving the wrapper; it was the only McDonald’s wrapper on it.

To this day, I still marvel at myself for doing that fit and I wonder how I did it. Imagine, 3 cheeseburgers, a medium coke, French fries and an apple pie! Nowadays, every time I eat I just feel like getting big. I can’t even bend down to pick a piece of crayon without hurting my tummy a bit. And sitting is worse! Gee, I can’t believe I got this fat in less than a week. I was so depressed last week! I truly need to diet and hell, take exercise!!! Something I don’t usually do. Now I realize how hard it is to diet and how painful to go hungry and you have to control yourself from eating or running to the nearest fast food or canteen in school. It used to be my philosophy: “Why the hell starve when you can afford to dine!” But now that philosophy has to change: Diet! Diet! Diet!”

One thing, I appreciate about myself in spite I’m getting fat is…. I’m HAPPY!
I am happy being me (bulges in my tummy included). Because I know I am healthy moreover, I’m still sexy and beautiful! Mwuahahahaha! (very vain). So, right now my diet consisst of veggies, fruits, juice or water plus of course, DAILY EXERCISES in the morning before work. SIGH! I’m getting my schedule fully loaded! ;oD Boy! I can only pray I won’t become like a bus otherwise, my bf might not love me anymore waaaa!

D-I-E-T.

DON'T!

DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity.
Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time,
it might have adverse effects on your health.


DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wearing bra
for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer.
So go to bed without it.


DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged.
Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks,
But please put the phone as far as possible.
Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit
magnetic waves when used.
These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system.
Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you,
switch it off first.


DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run.
Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing
and problem in perspiring.
You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.


DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE /HUSBAND
You may never wake up again!

FATS!

I woke up early this morning and as I was getting ready for work, I checked the time. I still got some time to check on a friend's blog. However, I ate my breakfast first consisting of 2 toast, 1 egg and 1 small glass of cold milk without the sugar. I then slipped on a slack and a tee then I sat down infront of my laptop. Geez, my tummy hurts! Is this nature calls or a pang of ulcer? what could be the matter now? I ate in moderate amount... Well, guess what? to my horror I cannot fit in my pants anymore. I had to undo the button so I can breathe. Whew! Are my clothes shrinking or I'm getting fat? I hope age is not catching up. I tried on another pants....phew! another, another and another! Sheesh! nothing fits anymore. I tried on skirts---ugh!

What am I gonna do? start my diet today. Aww! back to the usual veggie salad and water. I'll be needing extra new pants too. Boy! I remember eating a whole pack of bacons, 2 servings of rice and 3 yogurt drinks. Glutton! That was some nights ago and I still feel like eating another bacon but not the whole pack mind you. Maybe the fats from the bacon haven't subside so I'm gonna wait for another day before I will have another bacon. Oh gee! now I will be going through the ordeal of watching my diet and dieting. Something I don't do when I was in college but I wasn't fat and I never got fat back then. But now, at this time, is age truly getting me? When I look at my butts on the side of a full lenght mirror just after eating, I see my tummy equaling with my protruding butts---ew! Okay time for me to go to work and burn some fats!

HOTDOG!

The kids in school where I work, loves hotdogs. Every morning there are lots of hotdogs on stick for breakfast until recess time. The preschool students always have hotdogs as their “baon.” And during activities hotdogs on stick or sandwich would always be abundant. Even during programs and birthday celebrations you will get plenty of hotdogs to eat.

When I was a kid I also love hotdogs even to this day. I remember my parents used to buy a whole pack of hotdogs for me. Mind you, those hotdogs are JUST FOR ME and nobody else. Not even my brothers are allowed to eat them. Simply because that is the only food I want to eat with my rice and it will be a disaster if I run out of hotdogs! My brothers would cook me one or two whenever Mom would be away. I would have hotdogs for lunch until dinner and nothing else so that my Mom or Dad won’t have trouble leaving the house. Well, I was kindda spoiled but I was never a spoiled brat. Aside from hotdogs I also have a different kind of eating utensils. My plate was a light green plastic and I can see my food from underneath the plate. I was small you know, really small and I was 5 years old. My brothers were of course, very tall and every time they put rice on my plate I would look underneath and watch how many scoop of rice they would put. I count every scoop ‘cuz I don’t like too many rice for one single hotdog. However, on some days when Mom would have to be away early I would have two hotdogs or as much as I want just so my brothers who are taking care of me won’t be bothered watching television or listening to their records. I would be content playing in my room after eating hotdogs or I would be just sitting in the dining table playing tea and eating hotdogs.

One summer day, my parents had been away and won’t be back until the weekend. There wasn’t much food except fish and veggies but I had enough hotdogs to last me until my parents get back. So, as usual during lunch I would have hotdogs and I was very excited because I knew what my brothers were having----fried FISH! To my excitement I jumped and ran to the dish rack and took my own plate, spoon and fork then run back to my brother who was near the rice cooker. I was giggling and he was looking at me with an amused grin on his face. “ Aba, marunong ka na palang kumuha ng plato at kutsara tinidor mo. Sa susunod ikaw na kukuha ng pagkain mo. Ikaw na rin magluluto!” (“Oh, now you know how to get your own plate, spoon and fork. So, next time you will be the one to get your own food and cook for yourself!”). I laughed and pinched him on the sides. He took my plate and begun putting rice. He stopped suddenly and looked at me from below my plate. “What are you looking at?” my brother asked. “Nothing!” I retorted giggling. My brother continued to put rice but he also keep watching me. “Tama na!” (Enough!) I said. He looked at me and said he hasn’t put enough rice but I said I could see I had enough on my plate. He was surprised so he looked underneath my plate and realized my secret. The next day, he took a different plate. The plate was porcelain so it was opaque. I bawled when I saw the plate and he laughed. I refused to eat unless my plate was changed. After some kicking and crying effect he finally gave in to me and changed my plate. He sliced my hotdogs and I counted them. I quickly finished my rice and asked for some more since I still have 6 pieces of hotdogs. When he raised my plate I looked underneath and saw him grab one piece. I quickly kicked him and he laughed loud and returned the hotdog. When my parents got home, he told them the story and they laughed.

When I was in college, one night my brother and sister-in-law came home with a cute dog. The dog is male and imported. My brother got it from his brother-in-law who lives across us. My brother said I’m to take care of the dog and his name is “Hotdog.” In short I became the owner of the dog and he was my sole companion inside the house. My brother and sister-in-law were hardly at home so it was always I and Hotdog along with some maids who are always at home. I taught my dog tricks and he was a fast learner. He learned to climb the few steps leading to the bedrooms. Not long he could climb even the tables and bed.

In my room, there were twin beds. It was arranged that way, so any of my friends in college who wants to stay over will have a place to sleep on. However, Hotdog made it his place every time I grant him access inside my room. Sometimes, when it’s raining and there’s a thunderstorm he would go to my room and stay silently on the extra bed. He doesn’t leave even if I go out of the room and shut off the lights. Hotdog is a sweet and loving dog. On weekends I would be sleeping till 9am. It’s been my habit since I don’t have class on weekends. However, he doesn’t like me sleeping late, he expect to see me up by 7:30 am so when I am not yet up at that time during weekends he would scratch the door of my room and it irks my brother because it leaves an ugly scratches. The first time he did this my brother caught him and opened the door. I was still sleeping and he took Hotdog out for a walk. The second time the maid saw him and pulled him away. He was tied outside but he kept barking until my brother went out of the room and let him in. When I woke up I was told of his bad habits. I had the maid keep the key to my room on Friday nights so she can let hotdog in my room at 7am.

The first Saturday, he got inside my room, he quickly jumped on the other bed. My brother later found out I used to let him lie on the extra bed and that was the end of his luxuries. But Hotdog was a good dog too. The next weekend he got inside my room at 7am he licked my cheek (my bed is low!). The next time I made sure I was facing the wall when he comes in however he jumped up on the bed and licked my face. I woke up, pissed and looked at him. He looked back and barked as if saying, “wake up!” The maid laughed, she got the hint of my dog. From then on it has become Hotdog’s job to wake me up not only on weekends but also during weekdays so I won’t miss the bus. He would see me until the gate whenever I leave for school. He would keep barking until the school bus is out of sight…. When I would come home after school he would jump and bark excitedly, he would even run in circle to show how happy he is to see me. I was also happy to see him. However, there are times when I had a long day in school and I would come home sullen or irritated. Usually I would ignore Hotdog. He would bark and bark and would not stop following me unless I patted him on the head and said “Hi Hotdog!” Other times, I truly ignore him and when I do that, he would jump on my legs and cling to me then he would start to hump, LOL! Whenever he does that it makes me laugh and forget what I was so pissed about…. Hotdog also had a habit of annoying other dogs. He got out of the steel fence once and it was funny as I watched him jump on the high hedge and tried to squeeze his big butt out. I was laughing and he got away before I realize he could get stolen or lost so I screamed at the maid “IMPORTED YUNG ASO KO! KUNIN MO!” (My dog is IMPORTED! Go get him!). I saw the maid run after him but the dog was too quick! I was laughing hysterically watching them run.

When I started going home to my Dad on weekends I missed Hotdog and my sister-in-law told me Hotdog missed me too, because he keeps barking at the locked door of my room. Sometimes, he would try to dig on the wooden floor thinking he can probably get inside and see if I’m there or not.

I saw Hotdog several times when I went back after visiting my Dad. Then suddenly he disappeared. I thought the original owner borrowed him so I did not look for him. Then three months came, while having a chat with my sister-in-law, I mentioned why Hotdog wasn’t returned yet. My sister-in-law cupped her mouth and said, “You didn’t know? Ohh, gee!” I frowned and suddenly I felt something hit my chest…. My sister-in-law told me that Hotdog died two months ago and he died because he slipped out of the backyard where the two German dogs were on the loose. Probably Hotdog annoyed them and he was bitten by one of the big dog. My sister-in-law even told me how she saw Hotdog in the kitchen, lifeless. The big dog still had him on its mouth and was shaking him like a Jurassic animal. I cried without shame in front of my sister-in-law and my brother came and I was so furious he didn’t tell me. He was sorry and told me he will get another dog. But he didn’t’ get me another and I didn’t want to have another because, for me nobody can replace Hotdog.

To this day, I only have the happy memories of Hotdog. I don’t feel bitter anymore about his death. Instead, it makes me happy just thinking about him and maybe someday, I will have another dog. I just don’t know when ‘cuz right now I live in a dorm with a roomie and I don’t have a maid to look after my dog. So maybe, when I do, it will be after I get married and you know what name I would want my dog to be called? I want my dog to be named “HOTCAKE!”

On God's Plan For Your Mate

In 1998 after my relationship ended, I was at lost, alone and lonely. I started hanging out with the wrong circle of friends. It was hard you know, when you go through a painful split. You don't naturally come out unaffected after you get dumped.... In my mind, I told myself "I don't deserve this!" and I wanted to question why things happened. Had I not given enough in the relationship? Hadn't I loved enough? I wanted to know where I had possibly gone wrong. But there was no answer. How much this experience has affected me probably only those who experienced being dumped and used would know. I stopped praying. It was up to that extent. My best friend Aileen helped me to cope and assured me that there will be someone else who will come along. Someone probably alot better but I have to wait! Then she handed me a note, a note she told me that has helped her and countless of others who were in the same situation as I or probably even worse. The note read:

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone.

To have a deep, soul relationship with another,

to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God says, "NO, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled

and content with loving and being loved by ME alone."

I love you, and until you discovered that only in Me

is your satisfaction to be found,

you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship

that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another until

you are united with Me exclusive of anyone or anything else,

exclusive of another longing and desire.

I want you to stop planning, stop rushing, and allow Me

to give you the most thrilling plan existing---

One you can't imagine

I want you to have the BEST!

Please allow Me to bring it to you,

just keep watching Me,

expecting great things.

Keep experiencing that satisfaction

knowing that I am...

Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you...

You must wait!

Don't be anxious.

Dont worry.

Don't look around at the things you think you want.

You just keep looking off and away and up to Me

or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then when you are ready,

I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful

than you would ever dream.

You see,

until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready....

I am working even this moment to have both of you

ready at the same time,

and until you are satisfied exclusively with Me

and the life I prepared for you,

You won't be able to experience the love

that exemplifies your relationship with Me.

Know that I love you unconditionally and totally,

I am God Almighty.

Believe and be content."

On Getting Hurt and Moving On

I was still in college when I had my three relationships. All of long standing and all with the wrong person. I can acurately say that it was three wrong people I had been with because otherwise, those three relationships won't fail had they been the right person for me. The first one lasted for a year. Although, we were hardly together because he was a seminarian. I broke up with him for the sake of having him continue his apostolate mission. I was going against God and I am messing with his life. I wanted us to have a sense of direction and we will not have it unless one of us makes a decision. My bf could not make his choice between me and priesthood. He wanted to take his time but time was running out. So, I made the choice and left. It was not only because I have to make a choice and get a sense of direction but also because of an experience that I could not get over with. I was humilated and rejected in front of family and friends when he introduced me to his mom...

However, in my relationship with him, I learned so many things and I rediscovered God. He had opened my heart to the Lord. He may not know it, cuz during the time we were together it was like putting the good and evil in one room. There were rules for me to follow and they are strict rules such as, I cannot go out wearing shorts. That time, wearing shorts and sleeveless blouse were the craze in the fashion world and I was young! So what can you expect? We would quarrel over the way I dress up. Eating out was another situation between us. I sometimes do not finish my food or drinks when we dine in fast food ( my favorite at that time was A&W) and he would scold and give me a lecture about how many people are starving and dying of malnutrition particularly the one's from Africa. Each time he would mention the word Africa the more I couldn't finish because it makes me lost my apetite. So, he would try to eat whatever food I couldn't finish or sometimes we would give it to those begging in the street for alms. It was also from him that I learned how to wear the Scapular necklace, the meaning of retreat and confessions before taking communions. I used to act like I don't care nor do I take his word seriously and he would get pissed off. However, after we parted ways I found myself doing just everything he tried to teach me. I became a different person, I became strong and full of faith in God Almighty.

My second relationship lasted 11 months and it was stormy. We were on and off. My bf is also a deaf like me. We've known each other when we were in highschool and how ironic that inspite that we talk in the same language(sign language) we still could not get along well. This relationship was the most painful for me because I have set my heart in it believing that we would get along well since we are both deaf and therefore communication isn't a barrier including cultures. And I thought he was serious! Because he started talking about getting married and he met all my family, relatives and friends. I also met his. He would attend our family functions and gatherings (and I would get invited along with his, although, I never attend any of them because of work and school). He talks to my relatives as if he had known them for a long time. I was happy seeing how much he could dwell and associates with my relatives inspite he could not speak and hear, but he was good making gestural communication and facial expressions. My aunts cousins, nieces and nephews including my sister-in-law were all fond of him and liked him for me except of course, my brothers! My Dad never said a word he was happy enough to see that I am happy with this guy. Huh? ohh! was I truly happy?

Often times, I cry when I'm alone with him. He can be very insensitive and often he hurts my feelings. I tried to understand him because deaf are different from hearing people. The most painful part he had ever done was fooling me. I've been used! He wasn't truly in love with me but just wanted to get closer to my friend whom he have feelings for a long time. He was using me to gain people's trust and respect. He was also using me to get his business going. I have helped him sold books, deaf electronic gadgets or devices and ttys... In our world, nobody wanted or trusted him. He was an outcast even to his own family. He is known to be notorious and a spoiled playboy. He has courted and dated many deaf friends and each of them were left crying. I know all about it but, I did not listen nor believed because, I believed him. I gave him the chance because all of them happened when he was younger and I believe that he has grown up and matured.... "Once an evil, is always an evil!" If you watch Charmed you might know this saying. He was in a way like COLE in that television series except that Cole truly loved Phoebe. My deaf bf did not love me as much as I did. He was what my sister-in-law described as "a selfish spineless creature with no feelings!" I don't deserve him.

There were other things that made me cry and hurt. I lost some of my deaf best friends in the process of defending him in several situations he got himself messed. I hurted my family in the process too, for choosing to be with him and love him more than anyone. I also lost my sense of directions and I only thought of the whole world about him. I was told, it wasn't wrong to love. My sister-in-law knows how much I loved him and how much I am willing to put up just to make this work and that my only mistake is I loved someone who doesnt love me just the same.... This is the biggest blundder I ever made in my life! After the break up I was left alone. I could not face people. I could not bear looking at anyone directly in the eyes because I don't want to see the look of pity. Some of my deaf friends remained with me althought not for long.I turned down every invitation to a gathering, parties or birthdays whenever I knew he would be there. I developed a fear and paranoia. It was hard for me. I lost my self, my faith and my confidence plunged to the bottom. For a time I stopped praying except if meal times. I could have asked God to give us another chance like He always did every time we would break up. How many times did we break up? More than 5 times! And each time we did I would pray so hard. But after the biggest fight we had, I didn't asked or prayed anymore for a miraculous reconcillation. I was tired and drained! For a long time I lost touch with the Lord then, one day I just started to seek Jesus because I wanted to live again.... and I love my family, I cannot put them down like that again!

Moving on wasn't so easy. I had phobias and traumas after my break up. It took me 3 years or so to recover from that experience. I do not trust anyone and I always ask everyone to prove themselves. Even my own brothers! The break up had also affected my studies so much, I almost got into trouble with my scholarship because I almost flunked one subject and I wasn't doing good with my job either. I lost a lot of weight and became so thin. Sometimes during meal times with my family, I couldnt eat because of one particular viand that reminds me of him, it was his favorite.

Then, in December 1998 I started chatting in mirc. I met several nice people and I keep in touch with them through emails. There were 12 of them and all were men!(blushes and grins!). I sent them all an e-cards but I never chatted with them again after that except Eric. Eric is Xander, he kept on chatting and sending emails to me and I did the same. We became good friends and started sharing so many things about life, our country and cultures. We also shared our heartaches, families, dreams and disappointments. One thing that we couldn't get along is religion. Xander is a dutch and a non-believer. It took him 2 years before he could get a picture from me and two more years before I started trusting him completely. We became officially on after he came here. But I was so insecure and afraid he might be seeing someone else behind my back especially, because he lives far away and Europeans are MORE liberal than the Americans. Xander came here in the Philippines in 2000 after three years of friendship online. The following year I flew to Holland to meet his family and friends. He introduced me to his culture. It was a shocking culture yet interesting. I came in Holland during the Autumn exactly the same day of my birthday. When I met his family, his mother kissed me on the cheek and asked how I am. I only smiled and she waited for me to reply. Xander, explained that I am deaf and his mom said "Ohh!" she smiled and excused herself. It didnt hurt me, I expected she will react the same way others had done but then she came back with a pen and paper and showed me what she wrote: "How are you?" She smiled and wrote again after I told her "I'm fine. She wrote:"It's nice to meet you." I started to smile and she spoke then wrote again: "Where are you from?" Xander answered for me but she hushed him (LOL!). She thought I am Chinese. My meeting his mom, brother and friends has opened my eyes and my fear of rejection disappeared. Because for them there is no racial discrimination and everyone are equal! Everyone have rights! children were educated, respected and treated equally as adults. I saw how different my life was back home then. My trip to Europe changed me a lot! The way I view things and life now is so different from how I look at it 5 years ago. I have become more assertive in a good sense.

Xander and I lasted for 5 years together. He even proposed to my father and asked for my hand in marriage . However, he wasnt ready financially. My dad refused and talked to him why. My father would have given us his blessing had we been financially prepared. I do love Xander and I know he loves me too as much as I do. However, one thing that I do not agree with him and had caused me our relationshp was pre-marital sex. In his culture, virginity is not a big deal but losing your virginity is a big deal! Every time we meet his friends and talk to them they would ask if we already have kids or if we had a good sex last night. For them talking about this or asking things like that are very casual talks. I always watched Xander gets embrassed every time we are asked these questions. Even the doctor we consulted in Holland could not believe that we had never gone all the way... It is sad to lost him after 5 years of being together yet, how surprising I did not even cry when we ended our relationship. I did not feel any remorse nor did I wallow in self pity. I just moved on and started my career as a professor in college. I now have two jobs and I continue taking my master studies. The break up did not affected me that much like it did when I was younger. We started here in mirc and it is just right to end it here too.

Moving on was easier this time. I seldom feel sorry for the lost and I hardly think I wasted 5 years being with him. It was a good time too in so many ways because it has helped me so much to grow, become stronger and wiser. I can look back without regrets! We are just not meant to be like the others who had come and gone... Today, I have another new online bf. Hmm... don't tell me or ask if I haven't learned enough, LOL! But its a part of my moving on and I am not closing my door again, loving is taking risks! I am willing to gamble again and take a chance! My new online bf and I are just starting and he disappeared right away! ;D and gee! I started acting like a 17 years old for two days. I missed him terribly as if I can't last a day without him! But I did! :D I 'm happy to say even we havent done or said much since we started being together I learned many things right away. Like, distance can be a test! a test to see how strong you are, how durable you can be and whether you can withstand obstacles enough t be worthy of the one you love. Loving is being strong! You move on when you don't hear from him, simply because he has a life of his own and a business other than a life and business in mirc. :) and you don't waste your time waiting for him to pop up on your window screen. Loving is being true and accepting reality. He may not be online for a long time and I won't probably know when he will decide to come back or maybe never even come back. But, it's still all worthwhile having him even for just a brief moment and/or not having him anymore/at the moment. Whatever will be our fate, whatever is unknown, all I know is, it won't matter nor hurt that much because I am ready. I am and I can move forward. I am in control of myself! I know what I must do. Deep within me he exist and where ever he might be, God bless him for touching me and awakening my human sense. I have finally cried and felt what its like to love again, love for so real! Yet, controlled! Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, I have become so much stronger. For "YOU", thank you. I'm moving on and I love you!

Gone To Soon

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A CastleBuilt Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon!


-Michael Jackson

I WON'T LAST A DAY WITHOUT YOU

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely placeIt's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near
If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best!

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come trueI can take all the madness the world has to giveBut I won't last a day without you
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to giveBut I won't last a day without you.


-The Carpenters

Death and Reunions

My mom died in August 11, 1981. I was 10 years old. Twenty four years have passed since her death and now I'm a grown up. However, to this day I still cannot get over her untimely demise. I still cry every time we visit her grave and I find it hard to hide away my tears. Every year is an ordeal visiting her on her birthday (Nov. 1) cuz I have to control myself. I missed having a mother while growing up although, I have adopted several mothers of my best friends. But still there's no one beyond compare her...

After my mom's death, her side of the family started having reunions every 5 years or so. Her brothers and sisters (she have 10, two including my mom were long deceased at that time) who were residing in the United States would take turns coming home here in the Philippines. We were all happy and we always look forward to this happy reunions... But I wonder if this have to take my mom's life just so they would all be reunited together. Does it really have to take someone to die in order to gather one another and stand together? Why does it have to take someone's life away before others could realize how short time is? Three consecutive reunions and four deaths followed after my mother died, this including one of my godfather... Then, one day something dawned at me and I told my father this: "Dad, this reunion is killing them. It has to stop! Can't you see, someone in the clan dies after every reunion!" My father shrugged and the reunions went on and death followed. The last and biggest reunion was in December 1998 and January 1999. My mom's brothers and sisters all came home in full force. We met every relatives even the ones we never knew exist during Christmas holidays and New Year. It was such a wonderous and happiest reunion of them all. And while we were celebrating, I felt that this would be the last and there would never be another and I knew that death would come to a halt.

Six years later, last summer, one of my mom's brother passed away. I cried at my uncle's wake because I loved him dearly. He had been supportive to us when my mom was suffering from MSE. I never heard him say anything painful to us even when were almost practically depending on him at that time. He has a family too, yet he was never selfish in extending his help. Imagine, supporting his family and half of us (we are 6 siblings) plus in addition my mom was very ill. In his death, he died away from his own brothers and sisters. Nobody came home from the states even after he was burried. No reunion!

Has death also killed reunions? Does it also take death for them to realize how tired and painful everyone is from losing their loved ones? I believe in the saying:" Together we stand, divided we fall." This remain, true to us. But I don't believe it has to take someone's life away in order to stand together. A family should always be united. They are the only ones who you can always run to no matter if you have done the biggest blundder in your life. This is proven true from my family's own experiences, the last was my own blundder (evil grins!). However, I have gotten out successfully over that blunder. Nowadays, death seems to be rampant and fewer reunions. In the span of few months after the Pope John Paul II died several deaths followed in my work place and its painful nobody could stand together and be reunited. Everyone have their own self interest... Death and Reunion together they stand, divided they fall.

Like A Rainbow

My life is like a rainbow....
A kaleidoscope of colors,
a mixture of pain and joy,
uncertainity and sure knowledge,
despair and resounding HOPE.

My pot of gold lies...
not in acquiring things,
knowledge or friends,
but in being at peace
with myself and my God.

One day I will be there....

I'm already on the way!

Thank You, Love

Thank you for your smile
that brightens my day
for the tender look
when you gazed at me
with eyes that warm my heart.
For the music of your laughter,
words that makes my heart beat faster.
And for the fire that you have set
ablaze within me.
With your love you have awakened
my old heart from its slumber.
I feel young again!
It's all because of you.
Thanks for choosing me from all the rest
though I'm far from being the best.
Most of all I want to thank you for loving me...

-Adapted from the music of the same title