I wake up this morning and I thought of my dear friend Chey…she is gone…she passed away last January 30…. I had no premonition or any strange feelings that time or before and after she died except that, I did wonder how she is and how things are going on with her and Brit…. I wondered why Chey just stopped coming online…. I thought of the worse for a while but it didn’t alarm me that much ‘cuz I knew both of them are sly or cunning, they will get away with it, whatever happens you cannot separate or stop those two…. sooner or later they will be chatting again. I will just give it time. Perhaps they are in touch in private message and are using different nicks trying to catch on each other like they usually do. I didn’t want to bother them if that is the case. I like to give them privacy and let them spend their time together ‘cuz I knew how much it counts for them to find the time to talk. Besides, it’s becoming seldom, so I want to let them catch up. Time is so precious…. Sometimes I envy those two ‘cause of the kind of love they have for each other. I wish Andres have the same intensity for me…I wish he had been sincere…I told this pain to Chey during one of our last conversations last year in December…. But still, I wonder…I don’t see them anymore online…. For a while Brit used to send me website that I never bothered to look or check. Until I deleted Brit in my yahoo and Chey stopped coming or leaving me offline messages…I wonder if I will ever hear from both of them again…. I thought more about Chey. I hoped she is alright and fighting…
Its hard and painful to believe Chey is gone…I started crying and I called her name. The thought of Chey gone forever hurts. The thought she will never come back is hard. I will miss her so much. She had been one of my very good and longest online friends, one of the MOST LOYAL! I ever had. She is so much a part of my life. God I love my friend very much! But I knew she needed peace, she had enough! The clock strikes and its 7:53am just about the same time when I first saw the topic yesterday in mIRClife that Chey finally rested in peace. I couldn’t believe that. I thought at first it could be probably someone else who has the same nick cuz in #ddi, there were two Cheyenne. But that is mIRClife! I knew the other Cheyenne doesn’t come there. I must ask it just couldn’t be Chey. I called ercald who just joined but he didn’t reply. I called `Bubbles in msn, she was listening to music so I know she will answer me. I buzzed her and asked. It took a while before she replied, and when she said yes, I went numb. It couldn’t be! I don’t remember exactly what I said next, but I do remember asking when and how? I started crying as she told me what she heard, `Bubbles gave me the logs. I knew it’s because of Brit. Chey had always told me she cannot live without her and I wonder if Brit had abandoned her, I don’t think she did but then Chey won’t be gone then. Did Brit give up and just left her? That’s hard to think she could do that but then I cannot blame Brit. No matter how it hurts. I hurt so much for Chey. She is my dear friend…. When `Bubbles gave me the website in tribute to Chey, I couldn’t read it at first and I messaged Andres. I didn’t expect him to respond but to my surprise he DID! I told him about Chey and gave him the website. He acted cold, unemotional and all he said was: “I’m sorry to hear that.” “I hope she finds peace” then he went BRB. He never said anything after that and didn’t come back, he opened his music and listened to songs for a while then he left… I cried my heart alone. I thought of Chey…why?
I have work the day I saw that topic. I have no idea at that time what that day would bring. I woke up yesterday and did my usual morning routine. I went online and got connected to several messengers and channels. I am on auto join in several channels. As usual the channels in MIRC were almost full and quiet with the bots giving out their auto message greetings and people coming and going only add to confusion and enough for me to miss the topic in #ddi. I wasn’t logged yet in mIRClife cuz I didn’t add it on my auto join channel. I got bored a bit and wanted to see who are parked in mIRClife. When I joined there, I didn’t notice the topic at first. I got disconnected twice, I think. When I came back that’s when I saw the topic about Chey. After I had confirmed that it was indeed Cheyenne Williams who passed away, I went to #ddi and in the lounge and called for my Daddy HangMan (owner of the now defunct channel kitty, where me and Chey met) but he wasn’t there and someone asked me why? I told that person that a dear friend of ours died. The person who asked me told me if I am talking about Chey. I said yes and wondered how she knew. She told me its on ddi’s topic. How could have I missed it? And how long had it been there? Gosh!
Sometimes, when we go inside a chat channel we don’t pay attention nor care to read what is in the topic. We take it for granted. Thus, we miss reading what is so essential… I hope others will never take the channel’s topic for granted like I did. Please take time to look and read so what happened to me that day will not happen to you.
I wiped my tears and mustered the courage to read the tribute. The website was done by Chey’s sister. I read that Chey deleted everything and I remember losing some of my logs, which includes hers and Brits. I wonder if there was anything connected to that. I also read she had destroyed her poems. My God! Chey used to write incredible poems. She gave me one. She said its originally for Andrea but when I told her I would like to have a copy because it kind of relates to what Andres and I were going through, Chey told me I can have it and that she is also dedicating it to us! I posted that poem to my private blog and showed it to Andres only yesterday. I didn’t want to share it to anybody aside from Andres. I felt Chey’s sister has the rights to it now. It is still Chey’s poem not mine or Andres, it’s not ours to share to other people. I want to respect Chey’s work. So I went to look if there is any email address or any possible means to get in touch with her sister so I could give some of the poems I have of Chey, but there was none…
I went to work feeling disoriented. Although, I made my plans about my lessons 2 days earlier, I feel like I don’t know where to start. I have everything set but sometimes I get lost and I don’t know what I am going to do. The feeling I have inside me is just quite heavy…When my class started, I have to start by telling my students what school don’t teach them…
”School doesn’t teach you how to love someone or how to walk away on someone and tell that someone you don’t love them anymore…school doesn’t teach you that!”….
“I have said, you must know the balance when to separate your problems from work and school. That you should never bring them here when you come to class or work but leave them all at home and get back to resolving your troubles when you’ve done your other responsibilities that requires your attention right now.”…
“You need time management…know how to set your priorities…you didn’t come here in school to bring and discuss your worries at home but you came here to study…if you need help we have the guidance but only after your classes. Know your responsibilities and hold your emotional conflict, use your head and don’t let emotion over rule your judgment.”
“What happened to me this morning is beyond all that. It’s not something I can put on hold and say I will get back to that. It’s not something that can wait nor something I can attend to after I’ve done my other duties. Its not something I can bring back or hold on to when I have my time. But something that as human I have to be emotional about because it’s very painful, not even a mind can hold. Its overwhelming…. to learn my friend died.”
There was a great shock on my students’ reaction, some of them gasped, others said ohh and covered their mouth. A great silence followed and I could not contain the tears I have been trying to keep. I cried unashamedly. A student reached out and offered me her handkerchief. I didn’t take it I took a tissue from my bag and told her it’s okay. She patted my back and stood there. Everyone we’re watching me. I motioned my student to take her seat. I wiped my tears and tried to control myself. I must not break completely or I will never be able to go on and do what I must do for today’s class. It’s not fair for these students. But I owe them an explanation aside an apology for not being myself and for bringing this emotional burden.
“Death is inevitable. You cannot stop it or make it wait. It’s something beyond everybody’s control but the will of God. I want you to understand this emotional pain that not even a school can do something about or stop you from your grief. We are human. Other problems we can make our head rule over our heart but not this. Forgive me, if I am not at my usual self today and if I make mistake let me know and correct me. I will welcome it and appreciate that you speak out and correct what must be set right. Don’t be afraid to tell me that I am wrong. There is nothing to be afraid except if you didn’t study for your exam.”
None of my students said a word. They just nodded their heads. Some of the girls were in tears even the boys! All understood the emotional pain I am suffering, the shock and pain of lost.
“My friend died… and I feel lost… I don’t know some times what I am going to do or what I am suppose to do. I am not at myself at all. But I try to keep in mind you are here and I cannot ignore the fact I am living and still have responsibilities to you, as your teacher…. I want you to take your time to understand, you should never waste your time. Don’t forget to say I LOVE YOU and mean it! Say I am SORRY! FORGIVE people who has hurt you because when that person dies, you can never say those words…. They will never know, they will never see or hear it… Do not have regrets in the end, don’t do it until its too late! DO IT NOW! Doesn’t matter if love isn’t returned to you, doesn’t matter if your apology isn’t accepted nor your thank you is brushed aside and ignored. But do know in that person heart and in the eyes of God, you gave your self, you did your part in all sincerity!”
I recall when Chey and I used to talk especially when our talk is heart to heart we never fail to say those three important words. We always say I LOVE YOU to each other. I have no regrets. I didn’t fail to let her know she is in my heart and that I care that much, that I LOVE HER AS MY FRIEND. And she the same. I don’t recall any moment of having any misunderstandings with her. We never had any of those. We were always there to be silly, laughing, defending or supporting each other when one of us is about to cry and lost hope…. The last time we talked, she was at the brink of giving up her life but I told her to please hold on. I made her hang on for a while and I made her promise me she will never take her life away no matter what happen. I assured her Brit loves her that much and she will never leave. I know Brit does with the same intensity.... Before we ended our chat, Chey made me promise too I will not take away my own life for Andres and I told her I NEVER WILL! I can say I am glad that I did my part in making Chey’s life better for being her friend…for being there especially in those last few months that she was active, when she most needed me... For not failing in anything…
Lastly, I also learned that her sister's name is AmyLynn ( we met last night in #ddi). And like Amy, Chey shared her life with me for three wonderful years...
To Cheyenne, my dearest friend, I will miss you very much, you hold dear deep and true in my heart and wherever you are, I hope you are happy and at peace---Up in the Skies….
