It's been quite a while and I have not written any entry here in my blog cuz I was trying to catch up with my life. I missed a lot for three days you see... I stopped living for three days and it was hell. Missing work for three days is not a joke. My work just piled up one after another and I just don't have the heart to do anything. My mind had been going on point blank in the past few weeks when I started was missng out.
Why was I missing my life? you may ask....oh well, it will sound so silly for me now to say the reasons why. However, back then it means so much to me. My reasoning at that time was so reasonable and doesn't sound so silly at all. I have feelings and once again I have let this emotional stuff creep in me. I have let it get on the most part of my human self without even a mere thought of what this little voice is telling me at the back of my mind. We all know that the heart and mind sometimes don't get along pretty well. Each of them has their own way of taking over the human self. It's not easy to make them dwell together as one. Hardly does it happen when your mind and heart goes together. So, in those three days that I stopped living, it was all the emotional self I was... I got so angry and hurt over someone I thought was cheating on me. How can I even think such? When in fact we had a pretty nice time together before things went "kaput." Being online really sucks! Yesh, all of these happened because of a connection that sucks. Now I know what you are starting to think. I'm stupid, I know. I know, I know! I messed my life over the net. Messed three days of it. BUT! Understand, those feelings were real. They were within from a scorned heart. And to deal with such feelings, especially if you happen to be a woman with such temper like me--- ohh well!!! tu tut!
I had a convention for the next two weeks at that time, exam papers to make, narrative reports to revise, checklist for my class, a special report for one of my elementary class, papers to check and sort out in my class record for my college students plus I need to do consultation and my young tutee to attend too. To top them all I have to deal with my bad emotional self. It's like Im having one of those terrible PMS (LOL!). The thing I hate the most about those three days I was in hell was I couldn't get offline and I just couldn't function normally without seeing my laptop screen connected. I stayed awake most of the time too, talking to someone close to me online was such a comfort but not enough to ease my troubled self. I only got over when I was given the order from the top commanding officer (hehehe!). I was ordered off or else I am banned. Part of the training as a new OP in the channel is how "WE" describe it. I need a good spanking the General of the Army told me not once but several times. I am happy to say that's how our friendship begun. Although, after I got over those dreadful three days off, we didn't get to talk much but we know something between the two of us. That something...is just BEWTEEN US! (ahem!). Something personal we shared about ourselves to help me out. Sometimes you need somebody to talk to and ease away that dreary gloom within you. I needed to get back on my feet. "Generals and Majors" helped.
So, I had to plug off and start living. However, I didn't start until the next day but I did took the General's advice to go out and pick myself up. I had to deal things that I messed and I was called in the administrative office the first day I reported back to work. I wasn't surprised. I had anticipated this 'cuz I messed up by missing work. But hell I didn't care at that time and then, I DO SO after I got sober. I had to pick up a lot of pile and clean up. First the exam papers, class records, my lessons and tutee. I also need to fix my classroom and my students work I had to compile cuz its gonna be part of their portifolio by the end of the school year and I haven't done so much as recitation and practical test. These little ones needs more than that yet I knew experience is always the BEST teacher for them. They will remember if they had so much fun and I bet it will stay in them for the rest of their life... in college, I owe to see my other superior and consult with my papers for my presentation. It's not a joke that I have to make a presentation cuz that will be participated by a lot of people and it's a grand thing 'cuz it will be held in a hotel. What scares me is how I would deal questions afterwards. I wonder if I am good enough to answer their questions. I haven't done much and I just couldn't! I had all these ideas up on my mind. I just need to put them in power point prog. but maybe I still haven't got the hang to do so. I need timing until I was told I had to work with someone and get it all done. I did worked with that guy and I was the top commanding officer that night (pls read my blog entry: Hell Night). We finalize things and I went home late unescorted...
I was able to submit my class record and exam papers in my morning job, one day late. I talked to the school Principal regarding my absence and another superior regarding my morning class. I was given an ultimatum that should I fail to report for the third time, I will lost that class. I swore it will not happen again beside, the class has only one meeting left and they can be evaluated. The superior was rather pleased at this so I got away with it. Next, I gave my students reviews and compiled their work and gave more reviews. I went CARPE DIEM! While in my afternoon college job, I taught my students well and took my time cuz rushing wont work on these kids. I still have a lot of paper to check and record for them but the first thing was their midterm and reviews. I didn't missed a thing here cuz missing is not likely acceptable cuz I'm new in this job. I almost got late several times. Just almost but never late! I was always capable to show a two side of myself in here. I may be boiling inside myself yet I'm actually smiling on the outside. I just don't know sometimes how I would do with my class here cuz they are not as motivated as my first students. I am lenient but don't test my patience is what I told them during one of our meetings. I was kindda disappointed and frustrated at one point when such simple task was failed to be done....Oh! I'm not gonna talk so much about that issue here cuz I want to write that entry in another blog. My point here is a different issue. I just don't know whether I am making sense here though( grins).
Anyway, the big day came and the convention started(October 24). I was still in a mess when that day came cuz I was not able to give my time to my other tutee. I did my best though to inform the parents but there was no reply(don't blame me then!). The morning of the convention was great cuz my lecture wont start until the 2nd run which was the next day. I was supportive to Migs. It was fun and food was good. I met a lot of old people I knew back in my younger days as a little girl. This is a goverment gatherings of teachers mind you so you get to see a lot of old timers who are now big old timer! (hahaha!). What do I mean by that?!? I mean old teachers who were once just a mere teacher and are now in higher positions with the Department of Education---GOOD PAY! HIGHER STATUS QUO!
I was beautiful that day, I remember (vain!). However, before the end of the day I was told something I felt bad about. I was told I couldn't use the laptop and my team mate would have to work with someone else cuz after my lecture my superior's lecture would follow and the laptop was reserved for her use. She wanted to prepare her stuff while I go yacketing. Sheesh! Make my day! I'm on my own.... finally the day of my presentation came. I was late but my part won't be until 10:20am. I was clad in black and white had my pearl on for a touch of elegance(vain!). I had to double check my work last night and had to work almost late again with that guy. I was so tense. There was tension in the air and I notice how much the college had supported me. I mean supported? Financially I was given support but no moral support and I felt awfully bad at that. I had to sign my entire lecture and not give a damn at everyone listening and watching me. I was giving a lecture in a preliminary session. I focused on the person voicing over for me and there was my good friend Tess who was suppose to be my interpreter should I started to talk. But my voice failed me. I concentrated in talking with my hands....Finally my lecture was over and I saw their face...NO MORAL SUPPORT! I feel like I don't deserve my plaque and cash. I couldn't even smile at the camera and I wanted to cry. I did cry and the day was ruined! I was told to calm down I'll get over these. It's just my sole turn to be in hot spot cuz it's my leture day. I don't know how I will get over it. When I got home I told my bf about it... In a way I kinda felt better. My bf had other things on his mind and I sorta forgot my misery and he told me I don't have to face it but I need to deal with it. And I did! So, the next and last day at the convention seemed much better. Yep, I also found out the reason behind things that made me feel bad. It wasn't really for lack of moral support but they were all rather upset at some talks during the lectures. There were important issues my superiors wanted to address to the crowds but they were stopped. It was beyond their control cuz the goverment runs their own monopoly. We will have our silent way of running our own business.
Everything ended well and I feel so much better. I moved on... I still had two more days to work and get things to the end. There's still the exam for my subject, my tutee and a program in my morning job. I had to compute grades and have my students sign their consultation record in college and then I am done. I had to do another over time last Friday but this time I made sure I had someone to go home with me. I was safe! but I forgot to get my pay check (lol!). Semestrial break start after Saturday and still I didn't get my pay check. I don't need so much cash cuz I had enough in my wallet from the convention. There's no worries financially... But, I miss my boyfriend. His internet connection still sucks and I TRULY HATE IT!!!!!!!
