I guess i wanted time for you to heal, or mostly cause im a coward, i dont know wich reason is the more accurate...another reason is cause ive realized i gave you much pain rather than giving you what you truly deserved...love, one thing i must tell you is that i didnt got back to her, i never did...i dont know if u'll believe me or not, nor i dont know if this mail will be between us or will you share to the internet community, but one thing is for sure, im truly sorry for all the pain i left behind and im sorry im a jerk, as i said i dont know if u'll forgive me or i dont know if i truly deserve to be forgiven but please do know that i am sorry and i regret that things happened the way they did, and im sincerely happy that you've found someone else and that someone is making you happy, because you truly deserve to be happy and deserve someone who appreciates you and loves you with the intensity that you do...be good, smile big and give yourself the chance of happiness
take good care and once again im sorry...
take good care and once again im sorry...
"A day without a smile was never a good day at all" Andrés Huerta
This is the very letter I got from Nicotine^ after I sent him an email asking why does he ask or comment on me now after all has come to pass. He saw my blog on the Chambers of Secrets: How Do I Love Thee… and left 2 messages in my tag board. His messages read:
20 Sep 06, 12:46
nico^jerk: im sincerely happy you found some1 else and that you are fine, take good care and smile! ciao!!
20 Sep 06, 12:43
nico^jerk: I'm truly sorry for all i did, even though i dont deserve ur forgiveness im sorry from the bottom of my heart
For the three months time since he said goodbye here he is just 8 days shy away from my birthday. Reading his email, obviously, has two things to say. One is to apology and second is either to test if the door is still open for him or because he had seen that I have someone else, he could be jealous and wants me back but seeing that I have moved on, oh well…what else can he say now? Other than to wish me well, to smile BIG and be happy…Friends rallied on my side upon seeing his comment on my blog. Nobody trust him anymore. Majority advised me to move on and forget him. I deserve someone else better. Andres has hurt me so much. “Do you want to spend the next 6 months of your life crying and going through the same hell he gave you when you were still together?” I remember my Pop saying this to me. “You know Georgie, about flowers and bees?” A bee flies from one flower to another. It sucks every sweetness it gets before leaving and going to the next flower. It doesn’t come back anymore once it got everything. “Good! now you know. Don’t play with his game, don’t let yourself be a part of it.”
From day one we ended our relationship, I almost had nothing else to ask God but to make him happy and hope his ex will love and take good care of him as much as I did, no matter it was through online. I keep praying for help and guidance that I may come to understand the meaning of love he has towards her. Help me to be strong, to go on with my life, to ease the hurt and pain…and if possible, if one day he come to realize….to please bring him back or else just erase every memories. I’ve been struggling so hard in those three months…. I will wait until our anniversary, until the first month of our break-up, until my birthday and last, until Christmas.
My friends Melissa and Ivy could only look at me. Ivy said, “Nothing will be lost if you want to wait but … Good, you set a limit for yourself.” Melissa on the other hand said, “Geo, he hurts you so much, he just want to get rid of his guilt. But if you love him, whatever you decide, I will support you. I will stand by you.” Pop said, “nilla..if you want nico...go after him with all you got....if not...run away fast and leave it alone...dont play in the middle of the field.”
I thought and thought about all of these things. I knew that the mind and heart never goes together, they may meet half way but only one always rule… If I am to let my heart rule over my head, I’d give Nicotine^ every chance to come back ‘cuz deep inside I still love him so. I’m willing to give it one more try. However, I see no sincerity on his part. He just wanted to apologize, huh!? But even his apology doesn’t sound sincere judging the fact he even mentioned he never got back with his ex. (his point is….) To use my head before I follow my heart, I sent him an email telling him to come online and talk with me about what he said in his email… No reply. Next thing I heard he was going to the hospital. My sympathy went with him. I got in touch with him on his mobile and for the first time he replied: “Within 4 hours I will be in hospital scared mostly.” I TRULY got his message!!! I replied saying: “I got your msg. WOW! What happen to you? Hope you will be well. Take care! When you get out, let me know.” I didn’t expect him to reply again but he did. “Thx I will.”
I was so surprised! I didn’t reply for a few hours after that. I remember when we were still together he never replied to me on my mobile although he used to say he did send several messages, that he tried but it seems I never got any of them. How come all of a suddenly, now…I am beginning to think he has LIED SO MUCH to me!!!! When I sent another message, I said: “Pardon, but do you know who I am?” There was no reply and I waited the next day before I asked him again: “Still no idea who I am? Or you probably realize your mistake when you replied back to me yesterday.” He replied: “Cathy right? Back still killing me but all ok.” I asked if he is still in the hospital or home resting and what happen to his back again, did he broke it? Is it because of too much domino games or cybering in msn? And take good care.” His last reply was: “Still here was due to carrying heavy stuff.” I tried to reply back but I already run out of credit…
One more day in Mexico before my birthday, I sent him another message: “How long you gonna stay? Is your fiancée taking good care of you? She better or I will put your two fingers on your forehead (sign language for stupid) Well, 2day is my birthday and we have typhoon signal #3!!! GREAT J Very POWERFUL!!!” I did not hear from him. Until my birthday ended along with the raging storm that swept the country….
I’m back to zero, to the starting point where he left me in tears…. I almost started my life anew and yes with Aryan. I’ve been happy for a while but I cannot deny that Andres still reside very much in my heart and Aryan knows. Moreover, Aryan and I have a big culture and religion difference. Those difference doesn’t allow us to be together no matter what. I know Aryan loves me so much, he fought for me and remain true to this day. However, there is something in our life that we both decide to choose and take, that is--- to end things and remain good friends. It was the only way…
I have always said to my mom and pop that I will never hurt Aryan the way Nico did to me. If Nicotine comes back and I am still with Aryan, he won’t have any chance. But Andres came at the time when things were long over. I love Andres very much! God knows that… He is asking for forgiveness and at the same time telling me he never got back with his ex---He NEVER DID! But honestly, I don’t know. Because, he refuse to talk or make things clear with me….
“You didn’t reply, probably your fiancée or maybe your wife got hold of your mobile. Sorry…. I should never text and care. It doesn’t matter to you. I wish you did not bother me, are you apologizing just so you can go back to your ex and marry her? Or are you afraid your future child might turn worse than DEAF? …. Enough! Why do you have to tell me you never got back to her? You are only hurting me DEEPER! Happy? That’s what you want; it makes you feel good. I’m tired! …. You are just cleansing your guilt! How much more you want to take from me? I’d give you the last grip I hold of my life if you want! … Why don’t you be MAN ENOUGH? Don’t be a loser and jerk. I did not love you to become like that. Don’t lie! Learn to speak for yourself…..”
I can’t remember anymore what else I said to him. I was just simply too overwhelmed by the pain I have inside. Andres never replied… I don’t know whether out of guilt or whether out to avoid hurting me more than enough or simply he is being a coward again or he doesn’t know what do and say? That’s NOT love. When you love someone one else, you need not ask what to do or say. You yourself will know from your heart…. “if you want nico...go after him with all you got....if not...run away fast and leave it alone...dont play in the middle of the field.”
I tried…
“You asked Jesus to help you, why did you also ask TOM CRUISE for help? What’s your point in telling me you never got back with her if you only wanted to apology? Just tell me if you want me back or I go away…”
No reply…
…an email.
I asked you through text message in your mobile. I am sure you got it. Don't play dumb. I will ask you again one more time...
You asked Jesus to help you. Why did you also ask TOM CRUISE for help? What's your point telling me you NEVER got back with you ex if you only want to apology? Just tell me if you want to come back or I go away....
Stop being a coward and jerk Andres. Help yourself cuz you cannot always be like that for the rest of your life....Aryan and I are no more when you sent that comment in my message tagboard. The reason is--- YOU!
Please let's make this clear. Answer me!
20 Sep 06, 12:46
nico^jerk: im sincerely happy you found some1 else and that you are fine, take good care and smile! ciao!!
20 Sep 06, 12:43
nico^jerk: I'm truly sorry for all i did, even though i dont deserve ur forgiveness im sorry from the bottom of my heart
For the three months time since he said goodbye here he is just 8 days shy away from my birthday. Reading his email, obviously, has two things to say. One is to apology and second is either to test if the door is still open for him or because he had seen that I have someone else, he could be jealous and wants me back but seeing that I have moved on, oh well…what else can he say now? Other than to wish me well, to smile BIG and be happy…Friends rallied on my side upon seeing his comment on my blog. Nobody trust him anymore. Majority advised me to move on and forget him. I deserve someone else better. Andres has hurt me so much. “Do you want to spend the next 6 months of your life crying and going through the same hell he gave you when you were still together?” I remember my Pop saying this to me. “You know Georgie, about flowers and bees?” A bee flies from one flower to another. It sucks every sweetness it gets before leaving and going to the next flower. It doesn’t come back anymore once it got everything. “Good! now you know. Don’t play with his game, don’t let yourself be a part of it.”
From day one we ended our relationship, I almost had nothing else to ask God but to make him happy and hope his ex will love and take good care of him as much as I did, no matter it was through online. I keep praying for help and guidance that I may come to understand the meaning of love he has towards her. Help me to be strong, to go on with my life, to ease the hurt and pain…and if possible, if one day he come to realize….to please bring him back or else just erase every memories. I’ve been struggling so hard in those three months…. I will wait until our anniversary, until the first month of our break-up, until my birthday and last, until Christmas.
My friends Melissa and Ivy could only look at me. Ivy said, “Nothing will be lost if you want to wait but … Good, you set a limit for yourself.” Melissa on the other hand said, “Geo, he hurts you so much, he just want to get rid of his guilt. But if you love him, whatever you decide, I will support you. I will stand by you.” Pop said, “nilla..if you want nico...go after him with all you got....if not...run away fast and leave it alone...dont play in the middle of the field.”
I thought and thought about all of these things. I knew that the mind and heart never goes together, they may meet half way but only one always rule… If I am to let my heart rule over my head, I’d give Nicotine^ every chance to come back ‘cuz deep inside I still love him so. I’m willing to give it one more try. However, I see no sincerity on his part. He just wanted to apologize, huh!? But even his apology doesn’t sound sincere judging the fact he even mentioned he never got back with his ex. (his point is….) To use my head before I follow my heart, I sent him an email telling him to come online and talk with me about what he said in his email… No reply. Next thing I heard he was going to the hospital. My sympathy went with him. I got in touch with him on his mobile and for the first time he replied: “Within 4 hours I will be in hospital scared mostly.” I TRULY got his message!!! I replied saying: “I got your msg. WOW! What happen to you? Hope you will be well. Take care! When you get out, let me know.” I didn’t expect him to reply again but he did. “Thx I will.”
I was so surprised! I didn’t reply for a few hours after that. I remember when we were still together he never replied to me on my mobile although he used to say he did send several messages, that he tried but it seems I never got any of them. How come all of a suddenly, now…I am beginning to think he has LIED SO MUCH to me!!!! When I sent another message, I said: “Pardon, but do you know who I am?” There was no reply and I waited the next day before I asked him again: “Still no idea who I am? Or you probably realize your mistake when you replied back to me yesterday.” He replied: “Cathy right? Back still killing me but all ok.” I asked if he is still in the hospital or home resting and what happen to his back again, did he broke it? Is it because of too much domino games or cybering in msn? And take good care.” His last reply was: “Still here was due to carrying heavy stuff.” I tried to reply back but I already run out of credit…
One more day in Mexico before my birthday, I sent him another message: “How long you gonna stay? Is your fiancée taking good care of you? She better or I will put your two fingers on your forehead (sign language for stupid) Well, 2day is my birthday and we have typhoon signal #3!!! GREAT J Very POWERFUL!!!” I did not hear from him. Until my birthday ended along with the raging storm that swept the country….
I’m back to zero, to the starting point where he left me in tears…. I almost started my life anew and yes with Aryan. I’ve been happy for a while but I cannot deny that Andres still reside very much in my heart and Aryan knows. Moreover, Aryan and I have a big culture and religion difference. Those difference doesn’t allow us to be together no matter what. I know Aryan loves me so much, he fought for me and remain true to this day. However, there is something in our life that we both decide to choose and take, that is--- to end things and remain good friends. It was the only way…
I have always said to my mom and pop that I will never hurt Aryan the way Nico did to me. If Nicotine comes back and I am still with Aryan, he won’t have any chance. But Andres came at the time when things were long over. I love Andres very much! God knows that… He is asking for forgiveness and at the same time telling me he never got back with his ex---He NEVER DID! But honestly, I don’t know. Because, he refuse to talk or make things clear with me….
“You didn’t reply, probably your fiancée or maybe your wife got hold of your mobile. Sorry…. I should never text and care. It doesn’t matter to you. I wish you did not bother me, are you apologizing just so you can go back to your ex and marry her? Or are you afraid your future child might turn worse than DEAF? …. Enough! Why do you have to tell me you never got back to her? You are only hurting me DEEPER! Happy? That’s what you want; it makes you feel good. I’m tired! …. You are just cleansing your guilt! How much more you want to take from me? I’d give you the last grip I hold of my life if you want! … Why don’t you be MAN ENOUGH? Don’t be a loser and jerk. I did not love you to become like that. Don’t lie! Learn to speak for yourself…..”
I can’t remember anymore what else I said to him. I was just simply too overwhelmed by the pain I have inside. Andres never replied… I don’t know whether out of guilt or whether out to avoid hurting me more than enough or simply he is being a coward again or he doesn’t know what do and say? That’s NOT love. When you love someone one else, you need not ask what to do or say. You yourself will know from your heart…. “if you want nico...go after him with all you got....if not...run away fast and leave it alone...dont play in the middle of the field.”
I tried…
“You asked Jesus to help you, why did you also ask TOM CRUISE for help? What’s your point in telling me you never got back with her if you only wanted to apology? Just tell me if you want me back or I go away…”
No reply…
…an email.
I asked you through text message in your mobile. I am sure you got it. Don't play dumb. I will ask you again one more time...
You asked Jesus to help you. Why did you also ask TOM CRUISE for help? What's your point telling me you NEVER got back with you ex if you only want to apology? Just tell me if you want to come back or I go away....
Stop being a coward and jerk Andres. Help yourself cuz you cannot always be like that for the rest of your life....Aryan and I are no more when you sent that comment in my message tagboard. The reason is--- YOU!
Please let's make this clear. Answer me!
Now that I’m back to where I started since the day he walked out of my life…I truly wonder how much strength I have left on my hold with life… He has taken half of it the first time and I guess it didn’t satisfy him enough and he came back to take what remains of my grip in life…… Andres, if you can read this or if you are reading this blog right now…I’ve written one more poem for you.
I’m Waiting for YOU, Up in the Skies.
I’m Waiting for YOU, Up in the Skies.
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