On Getting Hurt and Moving On

I was still in college when I had my three relationships. All of long standing and all with the wrong person. I can acurately say that it was three wrong people I had been with because otherwise, those three relationships won't fail had they been the right person for me. The first one lasted for a year. Although, we were hardly together because he was a seminarian. I broke up with him for the sake of having him continue his apostolate mission. I was going against God and I am messing with his life. I wanted us to have a sense of direction and we will not have it unless one of us makes a decision. My bf could not make his choice between me and priesthood. He wanted to take his time but time was running out. So, I made the choice and left. It was not only because I have to make a choice and get a sense of direction but also because of an experience that I could not get over with. I was humilated and rejected in front of family and friends when he introduced me to his mom...

However, in my relationship with him, I learned so many things and I rediscovered God. He had opened my heart to the Lord. He may not know it, cuz during the time we were together it was like putting the good and evil in one room. There were rules for me to follow and they are strict rules such as, I cannot go out wearing shorts. That time, wearing shorts and sleeveless blouse were the craze in the fashion world and I was young! So what can you expect? We would quarrel over the way I dress up. Eating out was another situation between us. I sometimes do not finish my food or drinks when we dine in fast food ( my favorite at that time was A&W) and he would scold and give me a lecture about how many people are starving and dying of malnutrition particularly the one's from Africa. Each time he would mention the word Africa the more I couldn't finish because it makes me lost my apetite. So, he would try to eat whatever food I couldn't finish or sometimes we would give it to those begging in the street for alms. It was also from him that I learned how to wear the Scapular necklace, the meaning of retreat and confessions before taking communions. I used to act like I don't care nor do I take his word seriously and he would get pissed off. However, after we parted ways I found myself doing just everything he tried to teach me. I became a different person, I became strong and full of faith in God Almighty.

My second relationship lasted 11 months and it was stormy. We were on and off. My bf is also a deaf like me. We've known each other when we were in highschool and how ironic that inspite that we talk in the same language(sign language) we still could not get along well. This relationship was the most painful for me because I have set my heart in it believing that we would get along well since we are both deaf and therefore communication isn't a barrier including cultures. And I thought he was serious! Because he started talking about getting married and he met all my family, relatives and friends. I also met his. He would attend our family functions and gatherings (and I would get invited along with his, although, I never attend any of them because of work and school). He talks to my relatives as if he had known them for a long time. I was happy seeing how much he could dwell and associates with my relatives inspite he could not speak and hear, but he was good making gestural communication and facial expressions. My aunts cousins, nieces and nephews including my sister-in-law were all fond of him and liked him for me except of course, my brothers! My Dad never said a word he was happy enough to see that I am happy with this guy. Huh? ohh! was I truly happy?

Often times, I cry when I'm alone with him. He can be very insensitive and often he hurts my feelings. I tried to understand him because deaf are different from hearing people. The most painful part he had ever done was fooling me. I've been used! He wasn't truly in love with me but just wanted to get closer to my friend whom he have feelings for a long time. He was using me to gain people's trust and respect. He was also using me to get his business going. I have helped him sold books, deaf electronic gadgets or devices and ttys... In our world, nobody wanted or trusted him. He was an outcast even to his own family. He is known to be notorious and a spoiled playboy. He has courted and dated many deaf friends and each of them were left crying. I know all about it but, I did not listen nor believed because, I believed him. I gave him the chance because all of them happened when he was younger and I believe that he has grown up and matured.... "Once an evil, is always an evil!" If you watch Charmed you might know this saying. He was in a way like COLE in that television series except that Cole truly loved Phoebe. My deaf bf did not love me as much as I did. He was what my sister-in-law described as "a selfish spineless creature with no feelings!" I don't deserve him.

There were other things that made me cry and hurt. I lost some of my deaf best friends in the process of defending him in several situations he got himself messed. I hurted my family in the process too, for choosing to be with him and love him more than anyone. I also lost my sense of directions and I only thought of the whole world about him. I was told, it wasn't wrong to love. My sister-in-law knows how much I loved him and how much I am willing to put up just to make this work and that my only mistake is I loved someone who doesnt love me just the same.... This is the biggest blundder I ever made in my life! After the break up I was left alone. I could not face people. I could not bear looking at anyone directly in the eyes because I don't want to see the look of pity. Some of my deaf friends remained with me althought not for long.I turned down every invitation to a gathering, parties or birthdays whenever I knew he would be there. I developed a fear and paranoia. It was hard for me. I lost my self, my faith and my confidence plunged to the bottom. For a time I stopped praying except if meal times. I could have asked God to give us another chance like He always did every time we would break up. How many times did we break up? More than 5 times! And each time we did I would pray so hard. But after the biggest fight we had, I didn't asked or prayed anymore for a miraculous reconcillation. I was tired and drained! For a long time I lost touch with the Lord then, one day I just started to seek Jesus because I wanted to live again.... and I love my family, I cannot put them down like that again!

Moving on wasn't so easy. I had phobias and traumas after my break up. It took me 3 years or so to recover from that experience. I do not trust anyone and I always ask everyone to prove themselves. Even my own brothers! The break up had also affected my studies so much, I almost got into trouble with my scholarship because I almost flunked one subject and I wasn't doing good with my job either. I lost a lot of weight and became so thin. Sometimes during meal times with my family, I couldnt eat because of one particular viand that reminds me of him, it was his favorite.

Then, in December 1998 I started chatting in mirc. I met several nice people and I keep in touch with them through emails. There were 12 of them and all were men!(blushes and grins!). I sent them all an e-cards but I never chatted with them again after that except Eric. Eric is Xander, he kept on chatting and sending emails to me and I did the same. We became good friends and started sharing so many things about life, our country and cultures. We also shared our heartaches, families, dreams and disappointments. One thing that we couldn't get along is religion. Xander is a dutch and a non-believer. It took him 2 years before he could get a picture from me and two more years before I started trusting him completely. We became officially on after he came here. But I was so insecure and afraid he might be seeing someone else behind my back especially, because he lives far away and Europeans are MORE liberal than the Americans. Xander came here in the Philippines in 2000 after three years of friendship online. The following year I flew to Holland to meet his family and friends. He introduced me to his culture. It was a shocking culture yet interesting. I came in Holland during the Autumn exactly the same day of my birthday. When I met his family, his mother kissed me on the cheek and asked how I am. I only smiled and she waited for me to reply. Xander, explained that I am deaf and his mom said "Ohh!" she smiled and excused herself. It didnt hurt me, I expected she will react the same way others had done but then she came back with a pen and paper and showed me what she wrote: "How are you?" She smiled and wrote again after I told her "I'm fine. She wrote:"It's nice to meet you." I started to smile and she spoke then wrote again: "Where are you from?" Xander answered for me but she hushed him (LOL!). She thought I am Chinese. My meeting his mom, brother and friends has opened my eyes and my fear of rejection disappeared. Because for them there is no racial discrimination and everyone are equal! Everyone have rights! children were educated, respected and treated equally as adults. I saw how different my life was back home then. My trip to Europe changed me a lot! The way I view things and life now is so different from how I look at it 5 years ago. I have become more assertive in a good sense.

Xander and I lasted for 5 years together. He even proposed to my father and asked for my hand in marriage . However, he wasnt ready financially. My dad refused and talked to him why. My father would have given us his blessing had we been financially prepared. I do love Xander and I know he loves me too as much as I do. However, one thing that I do not agree with him and had caused me our relationshp was pre-marital sex. In his culture, virginity is not a big deal but losing your virginity is a big deal! Every time we meet his friends and talk to them they would ask if we already have kids or if we had a good sex last night. For them talking about this or asking things like that are very casual talks. I always watched Xander gets embrassed every time we are asked these questions. Even the doctor we consulted in Holland could not believe that we had never gone all the way... It is sad to lost him after 5 years of being together yet, how surprising I did not even cry when we ended our relationship. I did not feel any remorse nor did I wallow in self pity. I just moved on and started my career as a professor in college. I now have two jobs and I continue taking my master studies. The break up did not affected me that much like it did when I was younger. We started here in mirc and it is just right to end it here too.

Moving on was easier this time. I seldom feel sorry for the lost and I hardly think I wasted 5 years being with him. It was a good time too in so many ways because it has helped me so much to grow, become stronger and wiser. I can look back without regrets! We are just not meant to be like the others who had come and gone... Today, I have another new online bf. Hmm... don't tell me or ask if I haven't learned enough, LOL! But its a part of my moving on and I am not closing my door again, loving is taking risks! I am willing to gamble again and take a chance! My new online bf and I are just starting and he disappeared right away! ;D and gee! I started acting like a 17 years old for two days. I missed him terribly as if I can't last a day without him! But I did! :D I 'm happy to say even we havent done or said much since we started being together I learned many things right away. Like, distance can be a test! a test to see how strong you are, how durable you can be and whether you can withstand obstacles enough t be worthy of the one you love. Loving is being strong! You move on when you don't hear from him, simply because he has a life of his own and a business other than a life and business in mirc. :) and you don't waste your time waiting for him to pop up on your window screen. Loving is being true and accepting reality. He may not be online for a long time and I won't probably know when he will decide to come back or maybe never even come back. But, it's still all worthwhile having him even for just a brief moment and/or not having him anymore/at the moment. Whatever will be our fate, whatever is unknown, all I know is, it won't matter nor hurt that much because I am ready. I am and I can move forward. I am in control of myself! I know what I must do. Deep within me he exist and where ever he might be, God bless him for touching me and awakening my human sense. I have finally cried and felt what its like to love again, love for so real! Yet, controlled! Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, I have become so much stronger. For "YOU", thank you. I'm moving on and I love you!