June 6, 2005
Monday.
It’s been awhile I have not written, ever since Xander has stopped getting in touch and I have been living my life, as it should be. Karl and I have gotten closer from our chatting, we talk daily every night and sometimes after I got home from work at around 6pm, Karl is already online, waiting… It’s so wondrous to think we would come this far when in fact we both used to hate each other in the beginning and couldn’t seem to get along well. I liked BassPlayer better than Legion from the start yet how ironic I ended up with (Legion) him and Bass--- long forgotten!
And for a long time too, I have not cried, never been in remorse over the fact that Xander doesn’t get in touch. But I knew in my heart it isn’t over yet between us. I knew he just needed some time to think…needed some space… he hasn’t say goodbye nor said the words: “ I don’t love you anymore.” So, I refuse to believe there’s nothing anymore. However, somehow I have the feeling that what I foresaw before we bought the laptop was accurate. His staying over here for an extended period of time would mean the end of our relationship once he leaves for Holland. I can say I have no regrets, I have been happy being with him and its all the memories I could keep. Living about my life as it is, left me without time to wallow over my lost and have self-pity. I know this isn’t normal ‘cuz it isn’t me. I used to tell Karl that I have become unemotional over the things that has been happening and I’m kindda scared in a way ‘cuz I don’t know when I would come to the point and I would cry. I’m afraid to break down. But he assures me I won’t and that no matter what happens he will be there online… Karl has been such a comfort and I love him for the time and care he gives. He even helped me understand myself. He made me see my fears. Now I try to deal with them and I talk about it with him without him being aware I was trying to get rid of my fears. I try to be open and take things for real. I think I have opened so much to Karl because I talk to him about almost everything without shame. LOL!
There are times in my chatting with Karl, I wonder if there’s a time for us someday in the future, to be together and share love even for a brief moment…
However, at the back of my mind, there’s something that tells me, that makes me fully aware how young Karl is and that a relationship with him is isn’t possible much less we meet in person. Yet again, I have this intuition that should Xander and I gets back and I marry him, there’s a possibility I can meet Karl but I see him as a young boy and the meeting won’t be so much pleasant… I am trying to hold onto the balance of not meeting him in Sweden instead have him come here and be together cuz it would be so much better… And between me and Karl, I only want a happy ending that we will both remember for the rest of our life even long after we part ways and were no longer together anymore. He has grown and I notice a lot of changes in him. He has learned to take things lightly. He takes things as they are and how I wish I could be like him. He isn’t the kind who holds onto things and people, the way I do and that’s what I admire about Karl. He even used to tell me “Life is isn’t fair Georgette, get used to it!” It’s always fun being online and making each other drool over what food we got. Oh, lol! I beat him last chat over the chicken tinola, ripe mango and leche flan. I also showed him how I made the fruit cake with cream and graham crumbs… we even have each other’s cellular number and we sms each other sometimes.
I always look forward being online, being with him, talking and sharing both good times and bad times has always been a comfort to me. And I am happy to see him grow and watch him become into a young fine man. I hope he also turns out true in everything….
G.
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