ENLIGHTEN

Have you ever been enlightened? I've been and believe me it was a quick enlightenment but not so much as a blink of an eye.

I was chatting happily with my bf online yesterday. We were so happy, truly. Seeing each other again online has made our hearts fonder. It was the most happiest moment of our life but then suddenly kaboom! all seems to have fallen apart merely by a question:" I wanna know if she is no longer there in your heart." When I asked that question the respond I got was so overwhelming: "She is. And She will always be." WOW! Aint that like a BOMB? Let me go on. So he said, "But you are a part of my heart as well." Well, it ought to bring back the smile on my lips. However, is love have to be divided? Won't anybody like me gets hurt and be overcome by feelings? I was so stunned right there when I read what he said. For a moment there, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was viewing him on cam and he seems to take it lightly at heart. He was even singing. I just stared right there not knowing what the f*** I would do or say. All I could sense was the numbing pain and shock that were both creeping between my chest. He is saying....

He then typed,"I love you in so many ways." My respond was," I think you need some more time." KABOOM! another bomb eh!

Well, I tried explaining my heart out. Seriously, I don't mean things like I wanted to end everything between us right there but what I was trying to say was I want him to get over her. I want to be loved where I don't have to share his heart with somebody else. That's painful and I believe quite unfair. My ex and I have been 5 years together and we almost got married like him but my ex doesnt reside in my heart anymore when I opened my heart for this new one. Won't this be considered unfair for my part? It sounded like he has not overcome his past. And how I wish he resolved that issue within himself before he opened his heart for me because I find it hard to accept. Would any one who will read this stand up or at least raise an arm if you would not mind being in that position? Being loved when deep within there's another person residing inside his heart.... I know I am a loving person and I truly am and I can either be very soft or hard sometimes. I love this person and I try to understand, I know what is it like to love someone and lost that someone. Or to have someone tell you he/she don't love you anymore... I know too, nobody can stop anyone from feeling what they feel or for keeping what they wish to keep inside their hearts. He is right about that. Because I realize, I also keep some people inside me. And these people like his ex still resides in me. Like my BEST FRIEND Karl. However, my bf takes a much bigger part of the space I have. Whatever space those others have in me are small compared to what I have carefully preserved for him. Anybody you love, you always want to SAVE the BEST FOR LAST! So, he is right to keep her in his heart, hmm?!?

Let me give it another thought. I hate to be taken for granted. It's also one of my biggest fear. And of course nobody would want to love someone and later be dumped when one realizes that the old feelings is still the same. It will never work for the new one. It will hurt! I am not ashamed to say that to him and he was ohh well....I find it so harsh...."WHAT ARE YOU SAYING????????????????" i am saying what i feel right now. i want you to be sure you have forgotten about her, that you have healed of that. it will be hard you know... "I will not forget her EVER...but that doesnt mean i stop feeling things...understand this--- she is a part of me and my ex is still a part of me and you are a part of me. That will never change. I dont need more crap on my life. Im so pissed right now."

I didn't read much of that, anybody, will anybody who is over come by the shock.... He asked me to re-read the logs and I did. I took a good look at this. I feel every pain of this part but then, I realize even him had so much of a hard time struggling out of that. And whatever he wish to keep are just all memories and nothing more. Memories like how I keep memories and like what Karl told me. You keep memories of those people not because they still hold your life like in those times. But they are something to keep, something that has helped you stand where you are now and be the person you are today. Right? :)

I don't mean to end or whatever in the way it may have come across differently for him. What I am trying to do is help but I guess my help is not needed or maybe this whole part is just too blown out of propotion to be understood. Or is it just the way I express myself with foreigners?

I thought I express myself better in writings but I suck!
He got it all wrong maybe or I got it all wrong.... Karl said, "I think it's okay. Nothing wrong. It's normal." I stared at him. Now how could such a thing messed up like that be normal and okay? Sometimes we fail to see ourselves when we are overcome by grief or intense feeling and our past comes surging and we become defensive or protecttive of ourselves. Afraid to get hurt! That silent fear within us is always lurking in the dark.... always ready to spring out in every spun of the moment. In anger and hurt we do the unthinkable and use words to hurt those we love....I'm tired keeping hold of this four letter word. I could never have a life I want if this will always be lurking..." Everything looks alright. You both FREAK out because of the stupidiest things. You love him and he loves you. He got hurt (probably both of you) and he needs some time to calm down. Everything looks normal."

N-O-R-M-A-L. As I keep re-reading the logs I finally came to the end, not out of love but another realization how much he has proven himself TRUE. I felt no longer insecure, its alright if he keeps her in there because that will never change. But I reside in his heart... truly and before parting he even said "I love you."

It's like assuring me... I 'd like to focus on TRUST. I hope we can both work on this and to Karl... Once more again, you have proven the word RESPECT!

I love you and thank you for always being there no matter what! Thank you for your GIFT of FRIENDSHIP and to "YOU" Thank you for loving me and showing me the way!