Scented Candles

The good old days for me was when the world was young and I believed that the moon is no bigger than my thumb finger yet everything around me is big. Hardly was there any day that I missed being the child I was nor the fun and laughter that in my young mind has been etched forever in my memories...Memories of my happy childhood where I see my mom so full of life!

Where I see her face... her wonderful smiles... I hear her voice... beautiful and resounding with hope and peace... I feel her touch... comforting and her very presence amidst all the madness of the world.... endearing with love....

When I could prove that my thumb was bigger than the moon...death was never welcome... we never had to go to the cementary as there was nobody else to mourn... When I turned 5 I saw my life revolving full of laughter and comfort... I had my family to love and protect me....death was never welcome...

However, when my grandmother, my mom's mother died of heart attack the world was filled with sadness and the tears came.... I remember seeing my mother cried....how her heart broke and how my father comforted her...my brothers on the other hand stood quietly in the corners watching with a sad expression in their eyes. I was too young then, to even realize the pain life can also bring...

Hence, every once a year, every November 1st we light candles and offer flowers in my grandmother's tomb. I used to see and hear everyone talking to the lone grave. I never had the chance to pay my last respect to my grandmother during her wake and burial. She died in the states and was flown by the US Army plane back to the Philippines in a bronze casket. She had come to live in the US with my grandfather who is a Veteran of World War II. They lived there in bliss but in their last remains they were never together... In the succeeding years that came and the moon has proved me wrong... death has invited itself within our home... as I grew older...the cementary started to fill up and before I knew it.... I was lightening scented candles for my mom.... What she once used to do and what I had heard from her once is now passed to me... "Ayan, Ima binili ko sa'yo yang kandila. Para sa'yo lang yan!" I remember very clearly what she said. I wasn't a deaf yet then there I was lightening scented candles offering it to all of them. I should only offer for two and let the rest of those living take responsibility for others in the grave. But within me the silent little voice said "FOR ALL!" You can give the two dearest in your heart something far special.

Four years ago, I was asked to bring candles and hence every year it has been my special tasks. I buy them ALL scented candles knowing how special they all used to be in my life... In our lives...we hold special memories....within all of us we hold them dear believing they never left this world.... Eversince the day I lit a candle on my mom's grave it was always an ordeal for me to visit her. I cannot stop crying every time we started to talk to her openly telling her how life had been for us since she was gone...every happiness and hardship we had.... I had to look away and wipe my tears. For 23 years the tears continue to fall from my eyes. That's how I miss her... that's how much it hurts that we both missed being together while I was growing... Another year had to come and go---24 years in all had to pass by before I started finding some comfort through bloggings. It's also only then I had expressed openly the pain inside of each memories...

"...your Mom would have wanted you to live as normally as possible and not think too much about her passing away but rather, keep the memory of her when she was alive and full of life."

These were the very comforting words I got from an online friend. Who made me change my view of my mom's death. Yes, he is right about that. My mom would rather want me to keep her memories those of when she was alive and full of life....In my dreams, I knew how much she loved me. She knew how much I wanted to be with her and that I would go and follow her wherever she may go. But she doesn't want me to be with her. She wanted to me to go on living because there were other things my life has to live for. She wants me to have a life and to see more there is to see. I also remember she wanted me to look after my Dad...

Tooday is November 1st of the year 2005. It's her birthday, 25 years ago since she passed away and I had bought 8 SPECIAL scented candles. I'm going to light them today on her tomb stone. The cementary has been renovated entirely new and grand. Now she is up on the wall save for my grandmother's tomb. Everyone of us will also be up on that wall when we pass away. Everyone will be cremated except for those who do not wish to be cremated... Everyone talked about this openly without the pain of dying nor the fear of death. And I had openly expressed I will be needing two space cuz my name is very long and I don't want it to be cut short therefore, I need two entire space of tomb stone on that wall when I die. TWACK! my aunt hits me slightly on the back of my head after hearing me said those things. My cousins giggled and I shhhied them or else they might wake the dead up!

November 1st also had a sign every year in every relationship that I am in. This signs are only between me and my mom. (smiles at the memory). How come it's only now that I come to notice her warnings and signs.... Mom, I know... I'm going to lit you another scented candles and they are specially for you on your birthday. I'm gonna say a silent prayer in each scented candles that I will lit and I will tell you who are those people I have met in each path that I had choosen to take and there will be smiles beginning today. I promise you! No more tears and it wont be out of wanting to turn into the unemotionally unmoved human self that I have once become. However, mom it is for the way I am starting to take life the way it is and move on, no matter who come and go or how painful when these people ceases from loving me and being with me.... Thank you for all the wonderful memories and for giving me life...

Once again, Mommy happy birthday and may you find peace and happiness where ever you are!